he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
