I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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