May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
