my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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