If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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