So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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