Pants 0. Shit 1.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize