Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
