just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
