she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
