his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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