I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize