He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
its liver damage thursday
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
