i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
