My room smells like vodka and shame
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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