he wants to bone in the snuggie
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
