Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
