i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
