Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
