the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
