1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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