I skipped work to stalk him.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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