I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
