Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i now understand why vodka
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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