I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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