wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
