we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
