just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
We need to rekindle our bromance
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
