just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize