Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
