i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I feel like a drive thru vagina
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize