so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
