Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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