Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
