I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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