So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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