My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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