We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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