He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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