i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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