people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
