It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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