It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
