can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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