Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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