that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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