too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
