she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
