you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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