There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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