I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
