your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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