All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Slut skills are useful in every country.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize