Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
