In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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