I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
