im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
