i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
