My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
