Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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