you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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