I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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