so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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