When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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