Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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