just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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